Fiber Arts Friday - Alice in Wonderland

It wasn't quite a year ago that I first ventured "down the rabbit hole" into the world of knitting.  Through this adventure I've had a lot of emotions pour out of my knitting.  Yes, I said emotions not finished projects.  I've said knitting makes me cry A LOT and I lately I've been asked the question,"Why do you knit if it makes you cry?"

Good question.  I wish the question had been, "Geez, Andrea, I see you're really upset over this project, do you need some help?"  Alas, that wasn't the question and I cried.

Well,  after the "Drink Me" potion of wine and the "Eat Me" portion of cake, I have done some soul searching regarding my knitting and "as my tears fill the hallway, the white rabbit passes by" or something like that.  Really, I fancy myself like Alice sometimes living in my own fantasy world where everything is fun yet odd full of beautiful vivid colors and a wee bit scary yet easier to take risks but I digress so back to my soul searching.

Since I started knitting last spring I have made a handful of scarves, 1/2 kidney kozie (shawl for a local dialysis unit which is still in process of being finished), 1/2 Clapotis (currently working on it) and my Sassy Eyelet Cap (which is going to be frogged and is the source of my tears)  Why did I jump from scarves to the hat and shawls?  Because everyone around me said, "Oh, you need to start doing more challenging projects."  and "Scarves are so boring!" etc.

The cursed Eyelet Cap from Vogue Knitting-Not looking too sassy

Well, I found the hat I wanted and Vogue Knitting said it was a "Very Easy" knit.  WHATEVER!  You lied to me, Vogue Knitting!  I was so excited to knit you too.  I picked my hand spun alpaca from my very own farm and it was supposed to be a beautiful hat.  It's not and it won't be.  I will not knit you, Sassy Eyelet Cap. "Off with your head!"  You are not very easy.  I will find another pattern.  I have also found someone who will show me how to carefully unravel you so that I can reclaim my hand spun yarn for a different hat better suited for my skill level.  She said that she will help me with gauge and getting started.  Now I'm starting to feel like Cinderella with my Fairy Godmother instead of Alice but now is not the time to mix my fairy tales.

Alas, I will knit a cute hat that I can wear out of my hand spun alpaca and hopefully there won't be tears of frustration.  I hope.

So, back to the reason(s) that I cry while I knit.  Obviously, it's frustration.  I am used to accomplishing tasks I set my mind to fairly quickly.  I love a challenge and I found that the challenge of knitting(at least this hat) has got the better of me...at least the pattern I picked.  There is so much for me to learn.  Sometimes I feel like such an idiot when I ask what an abbreviation in a pattern is and how to make that stitch.  Some are so elementary and I was already unintentionally knitting them but really, I don't know and need help.

The biggest reason that I cry when I knit is that it reminds me of Dad.  When I first started knitting, I was having fun and making new friends.  It was my escape from all the chaos at home.  It kept my mind and hands occupied while I stressed over my Dad's health.  As time went by, it came to be that 95% of the time I knitted was when I was with Dad at the hospital, emergency room, ICU, waiting rooms and finally hospice.  I got so much knitting done while I spent all those hours in the hospital.  It kept me from crying.  It helped me handle the fact that I was watching him die in front of me.  It allowed me to be the strong one for the family.  I was able to keep control with the family while I focused on my knitting.

Well, he's gone now and there is a void.  I get emotional more easily now than ever.  It's not just with knitting, it's with everything.  I've been told it's part of the grieving process.  I don't know.  I know I cry a lot now...A LOT!  I know that I feel even worse when friends aren't supportive and look at my "emotional knitting" as a sign that I shouldn't be knitting.  I have issues I am trying to work through and for some reason, knitting is letting me release feelings that I have had locked up for a long time.  It's therapeutic, I guess, and apparently I found that I can't vent about it amongst friends because they obviously don't get it.  My "cry" for help sounds like a bellyache and their answer is that I should quit knitting.

I thought about quitting my knitting group earlier.  Really, I did.  I was more miserable than ever. This was supposed to be my fun.  I felt like the consensus was that I should give up on knitting. I wasn't feeling the love. I've felt that my whole life though.  Apparently I have to be "on" all the time.  Good Time Andy.  Well, I don't always feel positive or happy sometimes I'm sad and I cry...and now I know that knitting brings that out of me.  Knitting doesn't come easy to me but that doesn't mean I don't like it or shouldn't try.

Then I went to Ravelry and I had two messages in my inbox offering help and in our forum and saw this response to my post of frustration:

My two cents: ZPDK is a mixed blessing. You have lots of experienced knitters around to help you. But you also have lots of experienced knitters around who make knitting look effortless. Then when it’s not effortless for you, you get frustrated.
But look, kiddo. Not only are you still a new knitter, you’re also mastering spinning, running several businesses, keeping a home, raising children, being a wife, doing charity work, promoting your craft(s), and being amazingly strong for your father during his illness and now as you take care of his affairs. That you also manage to find a minute to sit down and pick up your needles is an achievement you should be proud of. It will come. It will get easier. You will make your own hat out of yarn you spun yourself from the alpaca you are raising. And it will be beautiful.
As you are.

I love knitting.  I really do.  I love the projects I've finished so far.  I love picking out the beautiful yarn at the yarn shop or from my hand spun stash and finding a pattern that will create something amazing.  I love being a part of a knitting group full of amazing people.  I love knowing that I am learning a skill that people have been doing for generations and that once I figure it out I can teach my daughter.  I love a challenge and apparently, knitting is a challenge for me.

So I don't intend to wake from this dream.  I will continue to chase the rabbit, be merry with the Mad Hatter, wear a Cheshire grin and live life an adventure...and sometimes I might cry while doing it.

So that's what I've been up to at least in the knitting portion of my Fiber Arts life.  What have you been up to?

This is the first week that the Fiber Arts Friday Blog Carnival has been here on my blog. Besides linking your blog, please leave a comment letting me know what you think, words of wisdom, topic ideas.  Spread the word to other fiber artists and please, share.  Wisdom Begins in Wonder and we need our shared knowledge to gain wisdom.

Check out these cool blogs:

Fiber Arts Friday Blog Carnival!

To participate:

1. Add the permalink to a specific blog post that features something Fiber Art related, rather than your general blog address and not your Etsy store. (Please DO put a link in your blog post that takes us to your store though.)
2. Link back to Fiber Arts Friday from your post so that your readers can come and see everyone else’s projects! Text link to Wisdom Begins in Wonder.  A button of wonder will come soon for you to display.
3. Visit as many of the other participants as possible and leave comments! That’s what helps us all connect!