This Thanksgiving holiday has went by way too fast. Four days off from work was spent with my family. We didn't go shopping or go anywhere. We spent the weekend in our pajamas or sweats just being together. We played, we baked, we laughed and we simply enjoyed being with each other. I love my bears so very much and especially now that I am working full time, I cherish every single minute I get with them. This time together meant more to me than I thought it would. Over the last few years my life and my Thanksgiving holidays were always spent in ICU visiting my dad. It will be two years next week that he died. 
I thought about him a lot this weekend. It wasn't in sadness or anger. If you look at the stages of grief, you could say that I have finally found the acceptance stage. I managed to sneak away to Fort Custer to visit his grave site. I started to freak out because I had remembered his grave number incorrectly. The panic that I felt really bothered me. I had lost my dad! Even though he is in my heart every day, I decided that I needed another visit to his resting place. Veteran's Day had a snowy mess going on and the weather was beautiful. When I finally found his grave, I thought about the panic and the fear of losing him. I could hear his voice in my head singing, "You are my sunshine" and I felt calm. Yeah, I took a photo so I wouldn't forget. I remembered 78 but kept thinking 278 and not 678. Never again!
I will miss him forever! He was my father and my best friend. I hear his voice in my head and I don't cry (as much) anymore. The anger has left me...and I am at peace. I know I alienated myself from many people during my grieving and there is no excuse for my actions. It is was it is and I handled my loss the only way I knew how. I am better now. I know I have an angel always looking out for me. We put his photo at the top of our Christmas tree. He is more than a Christmas Angel, he is our angel in heaven. On another note, I'm not as angry with God anymore. Oh, I still have issues but I understand, I think or at least I'm trying. I actually found myself praying the other day. It was the first time in a very long time. I now know that it may take a lifetime to heal from the loss but I don't have to be angry or sad and for that I am thankful to have finally figured that out.I hope that all of my friends and extended family had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I hope that you all found what you needed to be thankful for and have found peace.
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
The first photo in this post may be one of my all time favorites. It's my dad with my son (not long after brother bear was walking) going for a walk. This was taken about a year after his double lung transplant when he was in the peak of health. I LOVE THIS PHOTO! I am thankful for this memory that I managed to capture on film.
Posts
Memories are forever, my father passed 14 years ago, and I still remember the fun times we had, Love and light Andrea. Marie
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you had a wonderful holiday and the memories of your Dad will be with you forever. Thanks! for your fun blog!
ReplyDeleteThat is awful, losing someone around the holidays. And I understand the anger and going so long without praying.
ReplyDeleteI read this post when you first put it up, and immediately thought of my mother. She died in July 2001 after a short and godawful battle with liver cancer. My 2nd hitch in the Navy ended a few months before she died, and I went home to live with her and dad while we took care of her. So I got to spend every day of the last few months of her life helping her and being with her. I think that made it so that the worst of my grief hit months later. Then I moved away from my family and friends and isolated myself for a year. I just couldn't bear it any other way. I don't think I'll ever be done grieving, or wishing she had lived long enough to see me where I am now. I don't walk around thinking about her constantly, but it's still there, that constant feeling of loss. I hope you and yours have a wonderful Christmas -- it sounds like you are embracing what is important, cookies and tradition and family!